(AR/AI) The Wall

ISF has written on the big Q – trust itself. So today’s reflection is all thanks to her for rekindling an old sparkle within me, making me sit and wonder. I wonder as I let my mind wander…

Round and round I go
On this dusty, short road
Avoiding the prickling tiny weeds
Growing on the sideways
Yet somehow I find myself caught among them

I see myself
In a meadow of this prickly greens
My legs scarred, my fingers bleed
…yet I still stand tall

There are times I’d certainly wonder why I am the way I am now, or before. What it was that really contributed to this side of me? I may seem spoiled but I am, in fact, independent in a way they could not see.

I used to trust others quiet easily as any ordinary person would – you know, like trusting your friends and all. I was that once but something dark, a forceful shadow made me cower into the safety of my walled corner. It was since that I came to know Pain. And Loneliness too. Each and every one of us will encounter these two. It so happened that I met them so early in this life, in my own blood, so close to me that I was never aware of their presence.

When Amber mentioned about masks, I recalled back to the times I had conversations with my friends. I’ve had honest conversations with them, mind you. I never twisted a thing. I just spilled a quarter of the beans…to spill more than that would remind me how vulnerable I am.

And I took the great risk of sharing half of my beans with Caine.

I could never bring myself to share more with those closest to me…in fact, the closer we are the more I try to hide myself from them. It’s not that I’m too damn proud to tell them of whatsoever is troubling me at the moment…it’s just that, they don’t see what I see. And that troubles me often. How can I tell them that? How can you tell someone you love dearly that you’re feeling down because they can’t understand you and would always end up judging you? I try so hard not to judge others but when others freely judge you, it hurts me a lot.

Trust, I must admit is a big deal for me. After a few years of locking myself from the world, I’ve learnt to trust once more when Caine first set his footprints in my life – only this time, I do it with caution.

I trust…to a certain extent because I’m aware of how it will hurt to have it shattered again.

But to all those who are dear to me, I’m sure you are well aware of who you are, I love you all. May the good Lord bless you with his grace and mercy…you will never hear me say a word about how I truly feel deep within but know that you are dear.

Hugs to ISF and Amber!

The Voice That Was Always There

“I guess you’re not her then.”

Emma looked at Mike from the corner of her eyes. The words of the 11-years old were hard to gulp. He is still a kid but it is what worries her. Caine was, after all, a bit close to them then he was with her. And whatever they say could be the cold, harsh truth she was trying to avoid. Jon told Mike to shut up and tried to assured Emma it was nothing.

But how could she think it was nothing?

“…because he said…”

“Mike, shut up! You got it wrong!”

Jon who had many experiences than Emma knew it was not good for her. To prove him right, she was stunned with silence, only smiling. She laughed watching the family video but it was an empty laugh.

“Hey,” said Jon. “I don’t think Mike’s telling the truth. What does he know? He’s only a kid,” said the 13-years old. He talked softly, knowing that somehow Mike’s words hit the bull’s-eye in Emma’s heart. “Mike,” Emma said slowly. “What did he say?”

“Err…nothing,” was the only replied.

Now, she was both furious and agitated. She was furious because Caine should have told her if anything comes up, whatever his decision is. She was agitated because it seemed to her that kids knew better about her and Caine than she does herself. It felt uneasy hearing those kids asking her “What if…?”s and telling her Caine has other plans in mind. It was…maddening.

Jon decided to change the topic and asked Emma how it all started. But little did he know that his question was only bringing up memories now haunted by Mike’s words earlier. Father Time was kind tonight, however. Caine called on Emma so they could go home. She sprung off her feet immediately and headed for the car.

In the car, all Emma could think of was the truth in what Mike has just told her. She has her doubts but her heart remained firm in believing Caine. She trusted him to tell her of things, anything that matters as long as it is about them. Her head was not so cooperative, discouraging her heart with every second passed.

Tonight was a short ride. They reached home within a few minutes…

“Caine…” she whispered as she got down from the car.

He looked at her.

She shrugged and smiled.

He smiled back and drove home.

Emma smiled at her mother and went upstairs to her room. With a sigh, she sent a text to Caine, wishing him good night. He replied, to her relieve. And then she heaved another sigh.

I guess you’re not her then.

Mike’s little voice kept on replaying in her head. There was something about it that made her uneasy. Now she began to question herself tons of “What if…?”s.

Tonight…

…sleep won’t come easy to one girl crazy in love.

Lord, where are you? Give me a sign if this is how it was meant to be. Tell me so I could swallow Truth with ease. I love him, Lord. You knew it, didn’t you? You warned me this would hurt…yes, it hurts so much. It hurts because right now I don’t know which to follow anymore. Yes, it is one of my tantrums again…tantrums of my heart, war with my mind. This is my soul crying out to you… I need a sign, just a flicker will do.

As Emma lay on her bed, warm tears rolled down her cheeks. More tears welled in her eyes as her lips mumbled a prayer like a lost child calling out to her father. Then came a hand, wiping away her tears. Her blanket rustled. She felt another weight lying next to her.

“Emma…?”

It was the voice of her dearest being.

“Emma, is everything okay?” Gabriel whispered in question. She nodded slowly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Caine…”

“Emma, listen to me. You weren’t born to bow down to your head but to follow your heart. It’s just how you are from the very start. Listen, my dear…”

“…I love him…”

“…then love him…”

“…but it hurts…”

“…it hurts so you know this is true. It hurts because you know it’s true. It hurts because you now understand…”

“…but my friends are happy…”

“Then they will know soon. If it doesn’t hurt, it is not true…only when you feel the pain in your heart, your soul, never mind the head, will you understand how dear someone is to you. The head is easy to stray. The heart will always be tempted but please, persevere through the ordeal. In the end, your soul will rejoice, no matter what happens by then.”

“Gabe…what if Mike was telling the truth?”

“What is the truth you are seeking for, dear lady? What is the truth you are yearning for?”

“I…”

“You seek for the impossible truth; you seek his decision without you in his life yet you yearn for another truth. You yearn for the truth where it is possible for you to be together.”

“…because I…”

“Get a hold of yourself!” Emma was surprised. It was the first time Gabriel has ever raised his voice at her. She stopped sobbing.

“Emma, listen, do you love him?” Her Guardian asked, now with a softer voice.

She nodded.

“…then, my dear lady,” he whispered. “Love him…”

Slowly, Gabriel closed her eyes and led her into sleep, releasing her soul into her Sanctuary – a land untouchable by worldly stains. Slowly he led her into a land of reflections where she will finally be in touch completely with her heart and its cries of emotions.

“You are still young, Emma,” Gabriel whispered as she slept. “Love has taken favour in you. She is revealing herself to you. Your heavenly Father loves you indeed…be at rest now and we’ll talk in the morning.”

Emma mumbled.

Dawn was approaching.

Smile Once More

“What? Something’s on my face?”

Caine raised an eyebrow at her and sarcastically replied, “Sort of.” For any girl, when your crush tells you there’s something on your face, it’s a big deal! But I’m sure there was nothing the last time I went to the restroom, Emma thought. She checked 10 minutes ago.

Maybe it was how she was always so nervous whenever they were together that amused Caine. She was like a kid again. She would pout. Emma seemed to pout often now. She was chubby so it was cute of her.

“Have you decided?”

Emma looked at Caine. “Decided what?”

“What you’ll pursue in your further studies…” Now he started to sound like his usual serious self.

“Hmm…Mass Communication,” she chuckled.

“Oh? That’s good…”

Silence hugged them for a while. Emma began to lose herself in her own mind. Surprisingly, she thought, I can hear Big G laughing now. Emma referred her Creator as Big G whenever she was feeling a little topsy-turvy, happy that is. She stole a look at Caine. Caine caught her and laughed.

“What now?” she whined.

“Nothing,” he replied.

“What?” she asked again.

“Nothing, really,” The ends of Caine’s lips curved.

SMACK!

“Ouch! What was that for?” Caine rubbed his arm where Emma had just hit him.

“You’re mean…”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are…”

“No, I’m not. I’m a very good person, you see.”

Emma pouted, hitting him again. She did not him hard. It was more like an affectionate hit. He laughed. She laughed. They both laughed. “It’s just…” he said suddenly.

Emma hushed herself. She looked straight at him.

“…it’s just that you sound happier now.” Caine was smiling. “Did something good happen to you lately?” Emma shrugged at his question. Her cousin’s wedding has just ended. She was waiting for her brother to pick her up and Caine was kind enough to wait for her.

“What happened?” he asked her, still smiling. Emma shook her head and turned around

I’m a stranger to this feeling
I’m feeling so close to my heart
I’m a young adventurer
Travelling down this path
I thought I’ve walked before

There’s a song I hear
Hummed sweetly in the wind
There’s a story I hear
Told in the rustling of the leaves

Now, even the rain feels so good
Even the sun shines bright
Though the gloomy clouds roll by
The refreshing breeze sways me

Who can tell me of this feeling?
Who can guide me well down this road?
Who can sing to me the song I hear?
Who can tell me the story the leaves are telling?

Your eyes whispered to me
You’re trying to decipher
The nonsense I’m brewing
That I’m nurturing so dear

I’m young, so they say
And so you knew too
I’m young but who’s to say really?
That this is wrong

Who’s to say?
I can’t go this way
I can’t choose this road
Who’s to say?

Love
My escapade
I’ve finally known
The road of Life I’m taking

Love
As the Creator has taught me
As He is teaching me
Therefore who’s to say?
I was mistaken
When I say it was you who made me smile
Who’s to say?

I’m young, yes I know
But I know this too
That I love you
It is true I do
I love you

Emma turned back at Caine. “You really should go. I don’t want to delay you. Besides, you need a rest, don’t you?” she said softly. He shook his head. “No, I’ll wait. Don’t worry…” Emma smiled. How on earth could she ever tell this guy that she loves him so much that her heart was singing every time he was near? Is that kind of love even possible? It is not lust, she can tell. It’s just…whenever he was near, her soul was at rest. Now, how could she tell him so when she can’t explain it herself?

But Emma knew one thing’s for sure – as long as he would smile, Life couldn’t hurt so much. Life wouldn’t. As long as he would smile, a smile would be etched on her own face. Love never felt this good…and the Lord’s presence was never felt this close.

They exchanged looks. “Well, if you say so…thank you.” Caine was obviously questioning her thanks. She shrugged again, only smiling…