(AR/AI) The Wall

ISF has written on the big Q – trust itself. So today’s reflection is all thanks to her for rekindling an old sparkle within me, making me sit and wonder. I wonder as I let my mind wander…

Round and round I go
On this dusty, short road
Avoiding the prickling tiny weeds
Growing on the sideways
Yet somehow I find myself caught among them

I see myself
In a meadow of this prickly greens
My legs scarred, my fingers bleed
…yet I still stand tall

There are times I’d certainly wonder why I am the way I am now, or before. What it was that really contributed to this side of me? I may seem spoiled but I am, in fact, independent in a way they could not see.

I used to trust others quiet easily as any ordinary person would – you know, like trusting your friends and all. I was that once but something dark, a forceful shadow made me cower into the safety of my walled corner. It was since that I came to know Pain. And Loneliness too. Each and every one of us will encounter these two. It so happened that I met them so early in this life, in my own blood, so close to me that I was never aware of their presence.

When Amber mentioned about masks, I recalled back to the times I had conversations with my friends. I’ve had honest conversations with them, mind you. I never twisted a thing. I just spilled a quarter of the beans…to spill more than that would remind me how vulnerable I am.

And I took the great risk of sharing half of my beans with Caine.

I could never bring myself to share more with those closest to me…in fact, the closer we are the more I try to hide myself from them. It’s not that I’m too damn proud to tell them of whatsoever is troubling me at the moment…it’s just that, they don’t see what I see. And that troubles me often. How can I tell them that? How can you tell someone you love dearly that you’re feeling down because they can’t understand you and would always end up judging you? I try so hard not to judge others but when others freely judge you, it hurts me a lot.

Trust, I must admit is a big deal for me. After a few years of locking myself from the world, I’ve learnt to trust once more when Caine first set his footprints in my life – only this time, I do it with caution.

I trust…to a certain extent because I’m aware of how it will hurt to have it shattered again.

But to all those who are dear to me, I’m sure you are well aware of who you are, I love you all. May the good Lord bless you with his grace and mercy…you will never hear me say a word about how I truly feel deep within but know that you are dear.

Hugs to ISF and Amber!